This is THE official guide to this evening’s Britain’s Got Talent Final. Nevermind the tabloid press and TV Coverage, this is the only place you can guarantee an unbiased and informative breakdown of tonight’s potential winners and definite massive losers.

Diversity

bgt website says – “The group are one big happy family, so their chemistry on stage is real. They only formed Diversity in 2007 when the younger dancers combined with the older ones. In the 2007 they won the UK dance championships. Ashley who is the group’s choreographer tries to create a dance style that is eye catching and entertaining using films such as Transformers for inspiration.”

gc! says – Right, first off, what retard are they letting write this stuff? Actually didn’t see these when they were on the telly, which is a poor start I suppose on my part, I am sorry, but this is what you need to know: not as pretty looking as flawless. Might just be the outfits, but they look a bit rough. Most important thing is, there’s a pair of brothers in the group with the surname ‘Banjo’. That’s gold,. Gotta go far in showbiz with a name like that.

Susan Boyle

bgt website says – “She lives at home with her cat Pebbles and has never been married, or kissed!  Susan has been singing since she was 12 years old and regularly attends her local church and helps them out however and whenever she can.”

gc! says – Is she mental? I’m not trying to be provocative, I’ve not heard her speak and she has all the hallmarks of being properly mental. My gran saw her on the news this week, and apparently she’s having loads of teeth work done. If they made her really fit, that’d kind of defeat the point of her, wouldn’t it? Obviously after this, she’s gonna have loads of cock queuing up, and a lot of tough decisions to make. This is a very similar situation to what I experienced when I shot to fame, so I’d be happy to offer her any advice. Susan – call me bbs.

Flawless

bgt website says – “They have entered the competition to show that Britain has got talent and has talented dance groups that are better than the Americans.”

gc! says – Is Susan Boyle writing these? Seriously, this is the biggest TV show in the UK at the moment and they’ve hired some absolute illiterate to write these profiles. Couple this with Holden’s constant barrage of blowjob innuendo and I am DISGUSTED that kids are watching this stuff.

Anyway, I like Flawless. Liked the effort they went to to mash up their own music to perform to in the week, and they seem like funny fellas. Wouldn’t mind them winning.

Shaun Smith

bgt website says – “Shaun wants to be known for having a good voice and would love to perform at the Carling Academy in Birmingham. He just wants to make people happy through his singing.  Shaun’s other big love is rugby which he plays three times a week.”

gc! says – FUCK YOU SHAUN SMITH, I HAVE PLAYED AT BIRMINGHAM CARLING ACADEMY ALREADY, WELL THE ACADEMY TWO, BUT WE PARKED IN THE SAME PLACE THAT YOU WOULD, SO FUCK YOU. Don’t like Shaun Smith. Sure he’s probably a lovely guy, but as a rule I try not to like people that play rugby outside of school, and I’m jealous that him and Holden are probably all over each other. Just singing’s a bit boring anyway, innit? Wanna get a glock m8.

Shaheen Jafargholi

bgt website says – “Shaheen has been singing all his life but properly started when he was five. His Mum took him to his first singing lesson when he was seven and has never looked back”

gc! says – I bet his mum’s never looked back. Meal ticket, innit? How do you start singing properly? This lad’s alright. If you are gonna do just singing, at least have a gimmick like being young or something.Good voice for his age, reminds me of myself. Similar age at which I won my family a holiday to Butlins in a karaoke competition. Keep reaching for your dream young’n and you could one day be able to say the same.

Stavros Flatley

bgt website says – “Demetrios and Michalakis are father and son and describe their act as two fat versions of Michael Flatly with a Greek element. In the restaurant he would provide entertainment to his customers after their meal. He took centre stage and would perform acts such as Stavros Flatly. His son occasionally visited the restaurant, however he had only heard what his dad did, he had never saw the act.”

gc! says – I can only assume the “Greek element” is their being Greek. And this sounds like exactly the sort of restaurant I hate. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR STUPID DANCE, GIVE ME THE FUCKING BILL AND PISS OFF!

Right, so, okay, there are a lot of good things about Stavros Flatley. It’s always nice to see a father and son getting on well together. I like close families, and I bet they’re having a really great time doing this all together and having a laugh and that but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD. This is borderline child abuse. Sure it seems like a good idea now, but this kid’s gonna want to get a girlfriend one day, and he’s always gonna be the fat kid who got touched up by his dad on national telly. And the dad’s got a GAME PLAN. All the “thank you for letting me dance with you, son” bollocks. YOU’RE THE BRAINS BEHIND THIS DEMETRIOS, WE ALL KNOW IT.

Julian Smith

bgt website says – “He has been working for years to become successful and has performed at pubs and restaurants in and around Birmingham. He would love to play larger arenas including theatres, and wants to be the centre of attention where everyone is focused on him. He is currently a saxophone and clarinet teacher although he used to also teach the bassoon.“

gc! says – Proper hate this bloke. Seriously needs to man up. He’s 38 years old and he whines like a little baby. Guess he’s pretty hunky looking, but I bet he always crys after sex. If you’ve not made it by that age you should do the dignigied thing and give up. Kudos to him for being able to teach a monkey how to play the clarinet, but he should have brought him on the show too.

Hate how people get excited cos he can play an instrument. Proper boring, that’s why people invented singing. And he’s got an egg head.

2 Grand

bgt website says – “John and Sallie are a family duo who have been singing together for 2 and a half years. John is part of a male voice choir, and Sallie has performed with the choir on a couple of occasions. John was formerly a singer for 30 years and was initially spotted performing in the local clubs in Sheffield.”

gc! says – First off, to state the obvious, John is a granddad and Sallie is a granddaughter, and this is the BEST BAND NAME EVER. Bet the old fella came up with it. Don’t like Sallie’s spelling of her name, who does she think she is? A plural?

The blurb on the BGT website uses the word “perform” or derevations of that word EIGHT TIMES in 3 paragraphs, again, it’s embarassing to read. Strangely, it doesn’t mention that John’s wife is dead. Obviously that’s a big bargaining tool in reality TV, so they should have milked it a bit more. On the show the other night they showed John snogging a photo of her, and after his performance Dec said “[your wife] will be Up There watching”, and gesticulated vertically. I got a bit excited, thought she’d been operating the lights and was gonna come down as a lovely surprise, but it wasn’t to be.

Not quite as creepy as Stavros, ’cause there’s less bodily contact, but still.

Hollie Steel

bgt website says – “Hollie loves to perform and adores being the centre of attention whilst on stage. She is always trying to better herself and extremely busy throughout the week either singing, dancing or playing the piano.”

gc! says – Hate this little turd. Seriously, she’s not the “bravest girl in the world”, no matter what the paper of the person sat infront of me on this train, says. Listen to this COWELL: When I was about 7 I got my big toe stuck in the electric fire in my living room, and couldn’t get it out for about 20 minutes. NOW WHO’S FUCKING BRAVE!?!? WHERE’S MY TWO PAGE SPREAD IN THE SUN!!?!

The real heroic thing to do would be to say “I messed up, I’m not gonna cry and stomp my feet and that, let’s go to an ad break and hopefully that advert with Vinny the Panda will be on and we’ll be off air before my mum gets the chance to storm onstage demanding I get another chance …” OH NO TOO LATE! Think I hate her mum even more. Your daughter was shit, get off the TV before you cause yourself more embarrassment.

Hoping she cries tonight, then maybe pisses herself too.

Aidan Davis

bgt website says – “Aidan is a street dancer who loves music and although he has natural rhythm he has never had any dance lessons. He is a self taught dancer incorporating locking and popping moves into all of his routines. He has only been dancing for 6 months and taught himself through watching MTV and using the internet.
Aidan is a very active child, who loves football and plays rugby for his school team.”

gc! says – Nice lad. Proper. Likes things that 12 year old boys should like. I like football and the internet and I’d love to have sky telly, so I reckon we would get along a treat. Dancing’s a bit boring but I wouldn’t mind if he won.

******

So, there it is. The official guide to BGTFINAL2009. Sorry to those of you outside of the UK who are unable to tune in, but I think my commentary has brought the whole event alive in almost as exciting and convincing a way as a television could. Stavros are gonna win and it’s gonna be shit.

Hello there. I am back from my holiday now. I had a great time, thank you very much, and definitely didn’t lose at Crazy Golf to my Mum.

Postcards are all posted out now guys. Thanks for so many of you wanting to be a part of that whole thing.

ALSO – haven’t managed to send out everyone’s t-shirts yet, which is awful of me, I know, and I’m sorry. All will be out by Monday at the latest, just need to get someone to give me a lift to the post office. CHEERS GUYS!!

Gx

ps. I’ve not ignored the football result. Not really much to say though, is there? Totally outclassed.

I interrupt my holiday, here in Devon, for a party political broadcast on behalf of Gareth Campesinos! (myself). I’m sat in a Cafe Nero in Torquay paying stupid money for internet. I’ve had one and a half coffees, which has had a similar effect on me as about 5 pints of lager. I hate coffee. AND EVERYTHING IT STANDS FOR!! But these are the sacrifices we make in order to log into our email, only to see we’ve had NOTHING ALL WEEKEND.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is, inexplicably, I have been nominated for PETA’S Sexiest Vegetarian (FYI: second year running <cool smiley>). The judges have been kind to me in that they haven’t included ‘sexiness’ as one of the criteria for being nominated, rather, just the fact that they are aware of my dietary choices. Seriously, look, it’s EVERY VEGE IN A BAND, EVER. Hopefully when someone from some emo band wins, knowing that I was also in the list will take the gloss of their victory just a little.

But, this is totally the sort of field I’m looking for recognition in. Personally, given up on musical success, but I can hold off on eating animals for as long as necessary.

Reasons you might consider voting for me:

• Vegan. Therefore moral high ground
• With your help, we can totally redefine the definition of “sexy” to mean “paunchy and jug eared”.
• It’d be well subversive.
• If you are a carnivore, then me being “sexiest vegetarian” would be a great advert for eating meat.
• Would Mike D’Antonio of Killswitch Engage post this on his blog?:

Proof if proof be needs be.

VOTE

Thanks guys, really appreciate it.

Or vote for David/Calum off of Dananananaykroyd. Probs makes more sense.

I’m back off holiday on Friday, and have got some well good stories to tell you. One about crazy golf, and another about watching the Championship Play Off Final. HOLD ON TO YR HATS!!

On my “Super 8″ adventure around the West Coast I have seen many bizarre and wonderful sites, (including Eureka, it was like the  ”Back To The Future Part 2″ version of Hill Valley.) The first thing which really struck my eye was the Portland “Zombie” ball which seemed a lovely way to celebrate your coming of age. Although the photo is not great because I was being sneaky, this function room was over spilling with blood spattered gore monsters all having a marvelous time…

I also stopped in Bend in Oregon where I had the nicest cocktail I have ever tasted which had something to do with Gin, Blackberry’s and a sprig of magic. I ventured into a Willy Wonka themed sweet shop which played songs from the film whilst showing it on a loop. I wait for the day where the headlines scream “Willy Wonka Shop Assistant Goes Insane and Punches Group of Tanned Small Women.” I also missed Alek so much that I stared longingly at her douple ganger mannequin in the window for about three hours.

I went to Crater Lake but danced about in snow first. Minutes after this was taken I fell over. 

The next day I danced about in the sea for a bit. Minutes after this was taken I was sucked in by the current and had a Bedknobs and Broomsticks style adventure.

I came across this lovely fellow on the way to Napa Valley, I believe his name is Paul Bunyan, and I don’t know what he did, but he has a really big axe and he hung out by the “Trees of Mystery,” near the “Hill of Confusion.” It seems to make a tourist attraction worthy it must have some element of puzzlement to it.

I tried some wines in Napa and due to the fact the wine serving expert man was shutting up for the day I was given a guided tour, AND loads more free wine. I was trying to pay attention as he talked about barrels, and fermenting and oaking the flavour but all I could think was “It’s not even 6 yet, and I am wasted!”

The wine headache and the regret followed, but I felt like I had sophisticated my pallet and was prepared for a evening of….camping.

Hours after this was taken I nearly got eaten by a Coyote.

I am not a massive camping fan, but my traveling companion promised me that this would be a lovely little outing, save money and really get me back to nature, coz apparently it has missed me?

Anyway the area was beautiful and the weather was calming, but I was unfortunately nursing a post tour cold so couldn’t really sleep…. about four in the morning I popped outside to have a wee, because I could not be bothered to walk to the toilets, and I heard a strange noise. I dismissed it, and got back into the tent to lie in a hot feverish daze, but then I heard a growl….

Yes, ladies and gentleman, a growl… not like a dog growl but like a beast from hell deep thundering growl. I awoke my companion to check I was not going insane, and we lay there trembling as the “thing” continued to growl four times more JUST OUTSIDE THE TENT. We had no idea about wildlife native to that area but lying in a pitch black little tent after days of “bear talk” with something you can’t see growling outside your brain immediately leaps to grizzly, wolf or Cerberus. My travelling companion used the car key alarm to make a beepy noise to startle it and I lay there wondering if I was about to get eaten. In all honesty I have never been so scared in my life, and my fight or flight thing kicked in, and all I wanted to do was run… but I was informed that was not sensible so I lay and shook for an hour before I made us ran to the car and sleep there the rest of the night. 

In the morning the Park Ranger said it was probably a Coyote.

I had obviously disturbed it when I got out the tent, so I shudder to think if I had looked around and seen this staring back at me. 

I am never camping again is the morale of that story. So I am happy to be in San Francisco, where there is Ameoba, The Stinking Rose, and no chance my imagination will run away and convince me there is a zombie Gryphon outside the tent waiting to much on my brains.

Hello.

On Sunday I am going on holiday for five days to Paignton, Devon, UK. I really like it there. It looks (in places) like this:

This will be a really nice week, but also slightly traumatic in that my internet access is gonna be hella limited. So, here’s an idea I propose:

Would you like to receive a postcard?

Everybody loves (leisure) post, however minimal, right?

If you would like to participate, then please email ROMANCEISBORING@GMAIL.COM with the words “Postcard ’09″ in the subject line, and your address. I will then send you a postcard from sunny (hopefully) Paignton. In return, on receiving the postcard, you must email me a photograph of you with said card, which I will post up on the blog. Admittedly, this all sounds rather pointless, but it COULD be fun for me, and it’s INTERACTIVE, and that’s rad, right?

I think I’m gonna have to limit this to folk in the UK only, as posting abroad would be that little bit pricier and would take 4evaaaaaa. Sorry to offend anyone, but YANNO!!

Wkd. Let me know if you’re interested.

Even better, if you live in Paignton/Torquay, whatevs, LET’S HANG!! Tell me where’s good to watch the Champions League Final and I’ll love you forever.

Gxo

NB. Similarities to a poor man’s Horvitz Project, duly noted. Though this is clearly minus all the artistry.

On my return I found out my parents had filled the ginger shaped place in their heart with this cutey:

That’s right… it’s a fox. And it lives in my back garden. And it gets better: this is only one of 3…either Mummy or Daddy fox. The more astute among you will realise this means there is also a

Baby fox!

My first 2 days here have been dedicated to “Baby Fox Watch” (as yet unsuccessful, sob) whilst raiding all food supplies, catching up on back issues of the Style section of Sunday Times and watching “Great British Menu”. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed being home more than this.

I’ve also been jogging a few times because I’ve decided to try and run a Half Marathon in July. I guess writing that on here means I can’t really go back on it now… that might be a mistake. The saddest thing is that my I-pod is at the I-pod doctor at the moment which means I’ve had to resort to my ancient MP3 player that can only hold 15 songs at a time. Which means they have to be the best songs ever. And that’s where I thought you guys could help me out: your challenge is to help me compile the ultimate 15 song jogging playlist…    please.

x

Whilst the others are back in Blighty screaming “Corr blimey Gov’ner” and “Apples and Pears”  from the roof of every Weatherspoons as they down Boddingtons and dance to the Beatles I remain in the States. I have embarked on what I like to call “The Super 8 Road Trip,” staying  in as many as possible as I make the jouney from Seattle to San Francisco. Luckily this journey is helped by PG Tips and a copy of Empire.

So far I have seen bits of American scenery that I have not glimpsed before (which is a rarity) and yesterday I stopped by the forest of Mount Hood in Oregon, only to spot wolf tracks! How I ran away…

But expect some photos of the wall decor of the Super 8′s as well as me standing in front of various mountains and lakes and shops with various oddities in.

Also in Portland I was walking past a pub about 8 in the evening, only to hear Frank Black performing “Where is my mind.” It is a funny old world.

Also Star Trek? My friend forewarned me I would get a total “Nerd Boner” and that I did, although Zac from Parenthetical Girls and Gareth sideproject “Them Guys,” warned me about Syler’s “Live Long and Prosper” being a bit…claw like…

Simon Pegg (as much as I love him) maybe should have underplayed his part, perhaps having a few lessons on how to speak with a Scottish accent by watching a lot  more Rab C Nesbitt.  I genuinely would love to see Star Trek about six more times, but maybe with less clapping and whooping everytime someone said something that someone else once said in the original series.

Hugs and kisses

Ellen x

When I got home yesterday I was greeted by our new 12 week old kitten, Tiggy (Pop). My parents picked her up from a rescue home on Friday and she’s really amazing. We had 4 cats when I was younger so I have grown up to be a big fan of felines.

Check her out:

She is pretty awesome. She can’t go outside yet so she has to crap in a litter tray which smells a bit. That is probably the only bad thing about her.

<3

THANK YOU LOADS TO EVERYBODY WHO BOUGHT A TEE FROM ME. THEY’RE ALL PACKAGED UP NOW AND WILL BE POSTED OUT TOMORROW MORNING, AND THEN I WILL GO TO THE TRAIN STATION AND BUY A RAILCARD AND I WILL THINK OF YOU ALL. THANKS A LOT!!

Basically, I have a ridiculous number of band t-shirts. This can be attributed to a number of different things, such as:

• Period of years where I chose band t-shirts over having a personality.
• Student loan.
• Getting really drunk at gigs, and buying everything.

I would now like to get rid of some of these, for the following reason:

• I kind of chilled out a bit.
• Not as buff as I once was, and some are a bit smaller than I’d like now.
• Lots of them never fit in the first place because (as previously mentioned) I was too drunk to check the size or something.
• Some are different colours to what they looked at the time/on the internet.
• Basically just don’t wear them anymore.

I was going to ebay them, but I thought I’d rather see if anyone here was interested in them first. I hope nobody has any objections to me re-selling these t-shirts. Please rest assured they were bought with love and I at one time or another (most still, actually) thought these bands were awesome.It’s just now I have too much junk and not enough space, and I need a new pair of jeans and a new Young Persons Rail Card. Want to get a three year one, like, so I can use it after I’m 25.

Super Furry Animals – S UNWORN.
The Drips – S UNWORN.
The Drips -S UNWORN.
Goxxip – S UNWORN.
Story: Nathan gave this to me when we hung with them in France last year. Bit yellow for my pale skin, bit small.
An Emergency – S UNWORN.
Hidden Cameras – M Girls
Story: I have no idea what I was thinking when I bought this. Actually, I was really drunk and me and Pete had just danced onstage with them.

Mouthus – M UNWORN.
Story: Dun like orange.
Herman Dune – YL (would fit S)Numbers – L UNWORN.
Story: TOO BIG!! KRS CONFUSED MY ORDER, BUT I WAS TOO LAZY AND DROWNING IN GOVERNMENT LOAN TO SAY ANYTHING AT THE TIME!!
Gay Against You – M
Story: I don’t remember even buying this.
Sleater-Kinney – M
Story: Really like this one, actually. I’m being ruthless.Gay Against You – L UNWORN. Back Detail
Mika Miko – S UNWORN.
Story: Doubler.
Foals – S
Casiotone For The Painfully Alone – S
Story: My Dad bought this for me when he went to see CFTPA. Bit small. UNWORN.
Wavves – M UNWORN.
Story: Got real drunk and bought this at same time as Neil. Don’t REALLY like the whole Wipers design thing.
Neutral Milk Hotel – S
The Blood Brothers – S UNWORN.
Story: Don’t like red that much.
Modest Mouse – M
Story: This one’s about 4/5 years old. Good condition though. People at school used to think it was a Marilyn Manson one.
Telepathe – S
Story: I really wish this one fit me. Maybe I should just diet instead.
The Blood Brothers – S
Story: I really wish this one fit me. It’s that clingy fabric though, and I’ve got a gut.
Hefner – M
Les Savy Fav – S
Amoeba Records – M UNWORN.
Sleater-Kinney – M UNWORN. Back Detail
Story: Bit bright for my maudlin disposition.
The International Pop Underground – S
Story: This t-shirt is awesome. I might have to reconsider.
Bearsuit – S
Godspeed You! Black Emperor – S Back Detail
Polysics -S
Story: Really like this one! Got it at Cardiff Barfly, from one of the best gigs I’ve ever seen.
Foals – S
Slumber Party – M WORN ONCE.
Story: Really liked this, but wore it to band practice once, and Ellen thought it was a Smashing Pumpkins tee
Deerhoof – S
Sufjan Stevens – S
Pavement – S UNWORN.
Story: Off internet. Wasn’t the colour it was meant to be.
Health – S UNWORN.
Adam Green – S
Story: This one’s really old. If anyone buys anything else and wants this one, you can have it for free.

How does £5 a go, sound? Some are cheaper, but I’ll mention that if/when people buy stuff. Bulk discounts available. £1 postage, each?

ALSO, with every purchase, I will send a mix CD, based loosely around the theme of Shagging, or Dying. Your choice.

Thank you for reading. Any questions, please email ROMANCEISBORING@GMAIL.COM. More photographs available on request. Cheers!

Gxo