LC!
Ellen
Gareth
neilbeale
Tom
KimFiled under: CHAFF
Right guys…
On the 26 May 2009, I asked one single, simple favour of you miserable bastards.
In a heartfelt plea I requested you help me become SEXIEST VEGETARIAN IN THE WORLD TWO THOUSAND AND NINE, an accolade that I, doubtless, deserve, by just clicking on a couple of weblinks; and you useless turds couldn’t even manage that.
As a result, the male heat was won by somebody named ‘Milo Ventimiglia‘. I have no idea who this dick stretcher is, but his name sounds like something on the menu of a Korean branch of Pizza Express, and what sort of example is that?
Research has shown me this bellend is AN ACTOR. So, I ask you, HOW CAN WE EVEN KNOW THAT HE IS ACTUALLY VEGETARIAN AT ALL? It’s his job to pretend to be things he’s not, and you morons have been stupid enough to fall for it. I pity you.
I will certainly think twice before asking any one of you cock munchers to do anything for me again. Rest assured I feel there’s been a bond of trust between us BROKEN and it’s looking pretty irreparable right now.
The female victor was Kellie Pickler, contestant in American Idol 2006. Famously, I am a fan of such talent shows, and think that we’d have gotten on really well when we inevitably met. The picture above of Fido and Kellie meeting at the awards ceremony just doesn’t look right. For a start, Rover‘s head is really small
Here is an artist’s impression (thanks Aleks!) of what it would have looked like if I’d won and had the opportunity to meet the beautiful Kellie:
That’s me carrying her over the threshold into our love nest, after our wedding reception, where we would have dined on soya and broccoli and I would have fought her father and guilt tripped her into veganism AND I WOULD HAVE INVITED EVERY ONE OF YOU FUCKERS!!!
But no. Because of you lot, it’s not to be. Because of you lot I am not working on country duets with my little Kel Kel, and I am not hanging out with Taylor Swift, I am sat here in my bedroom carving a carrot into the shape of a dagger FOR YOU TO STAB ME IN THE BACK AND HEART WITH YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKS!!
2010: do NOT let me down, y’hear?
21 Comments so far
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i soooo voted for you.
Comment by Joshua June 24, 2009 @ 5:31 pmi even said no to voting for myself for you.
oh well. i bet he’s not even a vegetarian.
look at him. its in the beard.
and shes not even sexy. whats up with her mouth?
all that meat she eats probably
I think we’ve learned a valuable lesson here: Disappoint a Campesinos! at your peril.
Comment by Peter June 24, 2009 @ 5:54 pmOh yes, and I voted for Milo.
Comment by Peter June 24, 2009 @ 5:54 pmI voted for you, even over gabe saporta… Shame you didnt win. But next year sure you will. Btw milo ventimiglia is that guy Peter from Heroes tv show
Comment by Chalico June 24, 2009 @ 6:09 pmDoesn’t the winner win like a nice lobster dinner or something?
Comment by Jacob June 24, 2009 @ 7:30 pmYou should thank us for helping preserve your values.
Jeezo. If she won, that doesn’t say a lot for the competition.
Gareth, another reason for you to take the hump with Ventimiglia: he goes out with Hayden Panettiere (who would have been a far more worthy winner in retrospect).
Comment by Jamie June 24, 2009 @ 7:52 pmWow, way to sarcastically be annoyed at yr fans. By the way, dude was in Gilmore Girls, which is pretty much the American television equivilant of Los Campesinos! Indie, incredibly funny, may make you cry, sexy as hell… Heroes suxxorx though.
When I get famous I’ll stop voting for you and vote for my wonderous meatfree self.
Comment by Samuel June 24, 2009 @ 9:33 pmGoing to your wedding would have been nice, but Milo promised me a new car if I voted for him. Sorry, but your level of generosity/bribery just was not Oprah enough.
Comment by Eric June 24, 2009 @ 9:41 pmA lesson for us all – never vote for the underdog.
Comment by Julia June 24, 2009 @ 11:22 pmI voted for you Gareth even over my beloved My Chemical Romance. But Milo Ventimiglia is on the most amazing show, Heroes. So show him some respect.
Comment by therealmtoys June 24, 2009 @ 11:29 pmPlus, Milo’s been a veggie his whole life.
For most people would feel insulted upon being called a “useless turd”, and “cock muncher”. I, however, am a masochist and feel we deserve your wrath. We tried, we really tried, but that Milo (isn’t that the name of powdered chocolate milk? jeez, he’s named after chocolate milk) had some tricks up his cheating sleeve.
Comment by DianaS June 25, 2009 @ 12:02 am1. I voted for you.
Comment by Tess June 25, 2009 @ 12:24 am2. That guy has the lamest hair I have ever seen. I recall watching Rocky Balboa and thinking about how much I hate his hair.. And acting skills.
is it just me or your Kellie has a hairy low back? haha
Comment by IL June 25, 2009 @ 1:04 amIsn`t Kellie the one that thought that Europe was a country? Look on the brightside, Gareth, you won`t have to explain what Wales is.
Comment by sil June 25, 2009 @ 2:31 amSo much anger. Get some lard down your neck, you’re obviously lacking in protein.
Comment by Adam Hepton June 25, 2009 @ 7:43 amMilo was my imaginary boyfriend last year for about six months, but then I found out he was dating his co star in Heroes and so my nighttime fantasies about him lost their realism. I now deplore him so I am upset he took this opportunity away from you as well as the fact his girlfriend kept turning up when we were hanging out in my dreams.
Comment by Ellen June 25, 2009 @ 9:34 amMilo has superpowers and so obviously cheated. Don’t worry – Sylar will get him before next year’s competetion…
Adam Hepton – Lard doesn’t contain protein; it’s pure fat. Tsk tsk – all that meat must be draining your knowledge banks ;p
Comment by Gem June 25, 2009 @ 6:39 pmThis must be why I mysteriously had this terrible dream that you just came to my house and shouted “I HATE YOU!” at me. It had nothing to do with anything else going on, either. Hmm.
Kind of sad to think about, now, since I voted for you.
Milo has that look in his eyes like he cheated. It kind of looks like when Tyra “smiles with her eyes” actually. How odd…
Comment by Clair June 25, 2009 @ 8:18 pmI voted for you over morrisey. Show some respect!!
Comment by KIA June 26, 2009 @ 1:34 amS’up?
Comment by Milo Ventimiglia June 29, 2009 @ 3:09 pmI LOVE of Milo Ventimiglia, he really is a cutie.
Comment by Linda January 14, 2010 @ 9:15 am