LC!

It was a lot of fun, thank you. We and a lot of friends descended to THE HOME OF GAVIN AND STACEY with ‘refreshments’ and a football and had an awesome fun time. Inevitably it ended up with the more stupid of us in the sea and then wrestling in the sand. Our homegirl Katie Harkin documented the evening, so I thought I’d share a little.

HEY GUYS,

ME AND MY MATE PETE JUST GOT BACK FROM GLASTO, WE HAD A GR8 TIME, THANKS AND TOOK LOADS OF PHOTOS. WE JUST GOT THEM DEVELLUPED, HERE ARE SOME OF OUR FAVOURITE BANDS WHAT WE SEEN:

THANKS GUYS, SEE YOU THERE NEXT YEAR HOPEFULLY, LOVE YOU XXX

Steven Wells hated us.

Though I scowled and said he was an over the hill idiot when he started slagging us a couple of years ago, I knew, deep down, a lot of it was true. I DID have shit hair and in hindsight my embracing of ‘twee’ was embarrassing, and something I dislike in others now. He hated our band, and I respected him all the more for it. As a middling touring indie band we do a lot of interviews. And though I am always very grateful that people care to speak to us about our band, most of them are mind numbingly boring and repetitive or somebody taking a journalism degree being kooky in an attempt to make a name for themselves within student media. Whenever we’ve passed through Philadelphia, I’ve hoped he’d be in attendance, or would be there to interview us and give us the same treatment he gave B&S in the ’90s. Every time we’ve played in Philly I’ve glanced around the venues looking for some snarling bald man in a corner.

“Sometimes right. Sometimes wrong. Always certain.”

A lot of his final pieces, writing for Philadelphia Weekly were on his battle with cancer, and were as brutally honest and moving as anything I have read on the subject since B S Johnson’s The Unfortunates. Last year, a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer, and I referred him to some of Swells’ articles, and this inspired him to start documenting his own fight and I believe this was a great comfort to him for a time.

What I say about the man is inconsequential. I never knew or even met him, and there are plenty of accolades from those who did on his final article here. But, basically, there have been a few things that have stood out above others in Los Campesinos!’ short history that have made me think “shit, we’re really doing this”, and one of them was the first time I read Steven Wells ranting against us. That we were on his radar, and that he deemed us worthy of his bile was an honour. I think that says a lot for the man and how well respected he is amongst his peers and music fans.

In October last year, Swells wrote:

“I have seen the future. It’s Garry Bushell being kicked senseless by Gareth from Los Campesinos! forever. So it’s not all bad.”

I promise, if I ever get the chance, for the only good thing I can think of to ever come from Swindon, I will do that. Steven Wells, you will be missed.

Yours,
Gareth

Right guys…

On the 26 May 2009, I asked one single, simple favour of you miserable bastards.

In a heartfelt plea I requested you help me become SEXIEST VEGETARIAN IN THE WORLD TWO THOUSAND AND NINE, an accolade that I, doubtless, deserve, by just clicking on a couple of  weblinks; and you useless turds couldn’t even manage that.

As a result, the male heat was won by somebody named ‘Milo Ventimiglia‘. I have no idea who this dick stretcher is, but his name sounds like something on the menu of a Korean branch of Pizza Express, and what sort of example is that?

Research has shown me this bellend is AN ACTOR. So, I ask you, HOW CAN WE EVEN KNOW THAT HE IS ACTUALLY VEGETARIAN AT ALL? It’s his job to pretend to be things he’s not, and you morons have been stupid enough to fall for it. I pity you.

I will certainly think twice before asking any one of you cock munchers to do anything for me again. Rest assured I feel there’s been a bond of trust between us BROKEN and it’s looking pretty irreparable right now.

The female victor was Kellie Pickler, contestant in American Idol 2006. Famously, I am a fan of such talent shows, and think that we’d have gotten on really well when we inevitably met. The picture above of Fido and Kellie meeting at the awards ceremony just doesn’t look right. For a start, Rover’s head is really small

Here is an artist’s impression (thanks Aleks!) of what it would have looked like if I’d won and had the opportunity to meet the beautiful Kellie:

That’s me carrying her over the threshold into our love nest, after our wedding reception, where we would have dined on soya and broccoli and I would have fought her father and guilt tripped her into veganism AND I WOULD HAVE INVITED EVERY ONE OF YOU FUCKERS!!!

But no. Because of you lot, it’s not to be. Because of you lot I am not working on country duets with my little Kel Kel, and I am not hanging out with Taylor Swift, I am sat here in my bedroom carving a carrot into the shape of a dagger FOR YOU TO STAB ME IN THE BACK AND HEART WITH YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKS!!

2010: do NOT let me down, y’hear?

On Friday night I had the absolute pleasure of attending the Britain’s Got Talent Live Tour at it’s stop at Cardiff’s International Arena. As I think I made very clear with my preview of the talent show’s final just a month or so ago, I am a big fan of the program and so to witness it in the flesh was something I was very excited about.

This sentiment was summed up by a young girl I overheard in the interval, whilst I slinked off to the bar. She spoke with her mother and excitedly announced “I can’t believe it. I’ve seen them on the telly, and I listen to their music and now here they are, stood right infront of me, all these famous people”. So I begrdugingly signed an autograph for her and then told her to leave me alone. I was here for leisure, and sure I’ve a lot of fans and I’m grateful, but tonight was a night for me to have fun. Off duty. Still, one small child’s dream come true, and I could empathise, because, one of my earliest memories is, before I could barely speak, singing 2GRAND’s version of Aladdin’s ‘A Whole New World’, so to finally have the opportunity to see them perform it In The Flesh was a little overwhelming.

Some Notes and Observations:

• The show was opened by DJ MOTHERFUCKING TALENT!!

• Julian Smith is really, really rubbish. Upsets me a little that people are impressed by somebody playing the saxophone. A hundred million people can play the saxophone, some of them really well, but basically, it’s not interesting to watch somebody play the lead melody of some MOR song over a muzak backing track. And essentially, a saxophone just sounds like a quarter of a set of bag pipes. And he’s still the most soppy man alive. Srsly, MTFU before it’s too late and your kids spend a lifetime getting bullied (by me).
• He also did a duet with Shaun Smith. I nipped out to the bog for this, so don’t remember what they did, but Stephen Mulhern introduced them as ‘The Smiths’ which was obviously a massive LOL. Mulhern was a really good host actually. Find him quite annoying on telly sometimes, but he was great here. Also, I met him when he was a red coat at Butlins. Sure he knew then that I was destined for great things. I wasn’t so sure about him.
• First half of the show was a bit dull. Could have done with some massive big screens either side of the stage as some of the perfomers were really small and quite difficult to see. Like those two midgets in Diversity. And people basically just did the same performances as they did in the final, which was nice, but without the promise of a ‘nip slip’ from Amanda Holden, a lot less exciting. Shaun Smith did that Kings Of Leon song about “SOMEONE LIKE YOOOOOOU, OHHHH OHHH, OHHH OHHH OHHH”, or whatever, and I swear it was better and more heartfelt than I’ve ever heard them do it.
• The audience was amazing. Zero pretension. Everybody dressed up. Middle aged women swooning every time a teenage boy came onstage. Dads grunting at eachother in the lavs wearing expressions that tried to express “the missus dragged me here” but more accurately depicted “this is actually alright, innit?”. So many people turn their noses up at this sort of event, but the atmosphere was so friendly, just like when I went to see Hear’say at Birmingham NEC, and y’know, just, friendliness is good.

• T-Shirts were really cheap, all things considered. Like, twelve quid. Went to see Moz the other month and his were about thirty bucks. Jus’ sayin’. Nice one Cowell.
• Second half was full of duets and was awesome.
• Highlights of this: Darth Jackson coming out with a Storm Trooper backing dancers WHO THEN REMOVED THEIR HELMETS TO REVEAL THEY WERE FLAWLESS AND STAVROS MOTHERFUCKING FLATLEY!! This tied with Shaheen Jafargholi coming out and singing the Jackson 5’s ‘I Want You Back’ backed up by Aidan Davis and Mitchell and Perri from Diversity. Awwww, cute.

• Worst duet: That little shit Hollie Steel singing some opera nonsense, only to be joined by 2GRAND!!! Don’t know why the Generation Spanning Duo would lower themselves to work alongside that stroppy little bitch. I felt she really held them back. Booed her a bit.

• Subbo didn’t turn up, but she wasn’t missed.
• Woman Infront Of Me did that thing where you try to sit down but your fold down seat flips up so you fall on the floor. Just when I thought the night couldn’t get any better (y)
• This Fella at the end of the night, waiting outside the toilets, unable to take in everything he’d just witnessed. True dat mate, true dat:

Here is the first webisode about a few dates from our three week West Coast of America tour with Sky Larkin. It features stunning scenery, shocking action sequences and mind blowing dramatics as well as a bit of swearing. It also features a topless man eating cheesecake.

Enjoy

Roflcopter

Ellen x